Blazblue Summer Vacation
by UnoriginalPrankster
Summary: Ragna and the gang are on vacation. What could possibly go wrong? Rated M for language.


BlazBlue and all the characters within are the property of ASW

It was a rare thing that Ragna ever had time to relax. When you were the world's most wanted man, you had to have eyes in the back of your head for opportunistic idiots looking for glory or a quick buck. And that was why he was absolutely determined that _no one_ was going to ruin his day.

The sensation of something pounding on his chest roused Ragna from a rather enjoyable nap. It took him a moment to gather his thoughts and remember where he was and what he was doing. A swimming pool? That would explain the black shorts. He could vaguely recall someone suggesting the idea of everyone going on one huge holiday together. Whoever came up with that idea really needed their head examining, if only he could remember whom it was. It was probably Rachel as a prank, now he thought about it. His musings were interrupted once he got his brain in gearb and he discovered what had woken him up; Taokaka was using his torso as an ad-hoc trampoline. She was wearing a red all-in-one swimsuit. And water wings. Yet somehow, she still had that damned hood and mask combo on. Yet another opportunity to see her face missed. Damn!

"Hey! Good Guy! Tao's hungry meow!"

Ragna groaned, "Uuuh, when are you ever not? Anyway, why the hell are you telling _me_ this? And why are you bouncing on my chest? Do I look like a bouncy castle?"

"Coz Good Guy has to buy Tao her lunch, of course!", the Kaka girl was as overenthusiastic as ever, and while Ragna kind of liked having her around most of the time, now was not one of those times; this was 'me' time. Tao could do sponge off someone else for a change.

"Go pester Litchi, stop bothering me."

"Oh, you're so mean Good Guy! Tao cannot wait any longer to find Boobie Lady." The kaka clutched her stomach and fell to the floor, "She needs Rawgna's overwhelming generosity and limitless compassion or else Tao's gonna starve and pass out, not to mention his conspicuous financial resources, meow!" Ragna considered the possibility that in her hunger Tao had eaten a Dictionary, and probably a Thesaurus too. Given the rumours he'd heard it was a banker bet.

"Nope", he smirked, "Good Guy's tired and out of money from the last time he bought you food, so Good Guy would really appreciate if you could piss off within the next 10 seconds… meow." He didn't need to copy Tao's verbal tick, but it might annoy her enough to get her to leave. Thankfully, it had the desired result, saying "Meanie! Maybe Tao should call you Cheapskate Guy from now on!" as she stormed off.

"Right, thank god that's over." He took the opportunity to examine his current surroundings, and the company he was keeping. He was thankful for the little bit of a breeze that took some of the heat out of the sunshine. There was some cloud cover blowing in too. That was good, he was starting to feel like he'd just got out of a sauna.

He could see Jin lounging on a sun bed beneath a parasol, wearing royal blue shorts; Ragna knew Jin didn't particularly like warm weather, so it made sense for him to stay in the shade. He was enjoying a Gin & Tonic with his free right hand, while his left was currently draped around Tsubaki, lightly dozing on his shoulder. She wore a blood red bikini, and her hair back in a ponytail not too dissimilar to the way she wore it as Izayoi, though her trademark hairpieces remained in their usual places. She too had a G&T on the table by the side of their sun bed. She woke up and smiled at Jin. He leaned forwards and gave her a kiss, before the two settled down again. Even though Ragna really didn't get on with either of them, he had to admit they made a cute couple and deep down he was kind of happy for them, mainly so Jin would stop trying to hump his leg even time they passed in the street. He'd even discovered Tsubaki was actually pretty witty, not as stuffy as he had first thought. Well, she was funnier than Rachel, but then again, so were haemorrhoids.

He could hear loud music in the distance. Probably that Zumba crap that was all the rage these days. No doubt he could find Amane there...if he was mad.

Noel was seemingly enjoying herself having a water fight with Makoto between rounds of tossing beach balls at each other. Noel's bikini was green with yellow trim, while Makoto wore burnt orange and black stripes. Having grown so used to Noel being this Shrinking Violet who just faded into the background and tried not to be noticed, it was kind of a shock to Ragna to see her having fun seemingly without a care in the world and showing off so much skin. Makoto probably helped, as she contained enough 'fun' in her body for about five people, and she'd long been trying to get Noel to 'push the boat out', so to speak. He wondered where Cajun and Mai had got to. Probably gone to the poolside bar for more food. That in itself was odd, as while he'd never really met Mai, he'd been told enough that she couldn't really eat normal food. Hell, she liked Noel's 'cooking', so she must be weird. The two girl's play was unceremoniously interrupted by Nu in a light blue bathing suit bombing in from about 30 feet up "Wheeeeee! Look at me, Ragna!" Into the shallow end. "Oowwwwwww! I think I broke something Ragna!" Lambda, herself in black with silver sides, observed the unfolding carnage, "Embarrassment factor: 87 per cent. Epic Fail Quotient: Over Nine Thousand. Conclusion: Nu is an idiot."

Noel had just retrieved the beach ball when Jubei floated by lying on a mini-lilo, with a large glass of milk in his paw; "Howdy girls." He wore nothing but a pair of sunglasses, he took a sip of his drink and raised the glass to the two ladies. "Hey, Sir Jubei!" Noel noticed he was using his twin tails for locomotion. "Been keeping well?" he asked.

"Yes. The Mu training is going very well. I've stopped levelling buildings every time I fire now!" Noel obviously thought this was worthy of praise. And it was. Sort of.

"Well, keep it up, kiddo." Jubei laughed.

"Off the booze?" Makoto asked.

"Men, just fancied something different. Later."

Ragna tuned out the conversation and turned to his right, and immediately had to stop himself bursting out laughing; there, proud as punch, stood Valkenhayn, resplendent in black speedos, while still having a collar and dickie bow around his neck, with a white towel draped over him arm. To be fair it was likely _a lot_ more comfortable than standing around in this weather dressed in his usual attire. Rachel wore a black swimsuit, laying on Nago; Ragna thought he was about to have a heart attack and die of _not surprise _when he saw that. What was a surprise was that he'd somehow managed to be a sunbed _and _parasol at the same time; the old cat had learned some new tricks. Gii had taken the form of what amounted to a winged tea tray, carrying Rachel's brew and some pastries; Ragna knew Rachel was partial to Darjeeling, so he guessed that was her drink for today.

Tager was stuck working the bar, wearing a white suit jacket and black pants. Where he found a size that fitted him Ragna didn't want to know, primarily because that would likely mean thinking about Kokonoe, and that was liable to make feel sick these days. All he knew was he mixed a pretty good Singapore Sling, though his Black Russian was a little to be desired. Carl was being served at the moment. He was in his usual attire, so clearly had no interest in taking a dip. Nirvana flanked him as per usual, keeping an eye on everyone else, probably in case Amane wanted to get his legs broken.

Litchi wore a predictably revealing black bikini; calling it clothing was probably stretching the definition past breaking point. She sat at poolside, while Lao Jiu had a little paddle around, attracting Noel's gaze at regular intervals, leading to her getting soaked by Makoto. Ragna had never realised just how long Litchi's hair really was; she had it down now, and it left a tail a couple of feet long while she was seated. "Feels good, doesn't it?" she said in a rather too suggestive voice to her little companion. Lao Jiu gave a few high pitched yelps to the affirmative.

However, the relative tranquillity was soon shattered…

"MISS LIIIIITCHIIIIII!" Oh no, that could only mean one thing; on cue, Bang Shishigami appearing in a MANLY cloud of smoke. As expected, he was wearing naught but a red loincloth, yet still saw it necessary to carry that goddamned nail with him. "MISS LITCHI, YOU DO LOOK TRULY MAGNIFICENT TODAY! I, BANG SHISHIGAMI, HERO OF **LOVE **AND** JUSTICE**, AM TRULY THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE!" And he was also making such a ruckus that he was disturbing the others. Rachel fizzled with electricity, while Jin put down his drink and nonchalantly reached for Yukianesa under his bed. Tsubaki looked like she was considering breaking out Izayoi, but decided against it; she didn't want to atomise him after all. Everyone in the pool could see where this was headed and vacated the area.

Litchi tried to defuse the situation, "Bang, knock it off! You're upsetting all the other guests." Bang either didn't hear her or wasn't listening, "TODAY IS NOTHING SHORT OF PERFECT! THE SUN IS SHINING BRIGHT LIKE THE FUTURE OF THE PEOPLE OF IKARUGA! MY BELOVED MISS LITCHI DAZZLES ME WITH HER RADIANT BEUATY, AND I WI..AAAAAH!"

"Bang? Baaaaaang!"

His MANLY declaration was cut short when Jin sent an ice wave at the ground beneath his feet, causing him to slip and careen into the now empty pool, whereupon Rachel sent a Baden Baden Lilly at him…

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

…followed by Jin freezing him, and a fair portion of the pool, solid.

"Does he come with a 'Mute' button?" he asked

"I'm afraid not", Rachel answered, "I have endeavoured to find a way to reduce the terrible cacophony that man generates, to no avail. 'Tis truly a travesty that such a man be allowed to sully one with his continued presence."

"So why not just teleport him away?", Ragna teased, "Or, rabbit, is it just that you like him, deep down" This was answered with a croak from under his bed, "_Oh shit._" George XIII promptly delivered on the promise of electric retribution, followed by Sword Iris as an exclamation point.

"Hmmph! Mind your tongue, lest you lose it, reprobate!"

"What's wrong, rabbit? Did I… gah… hit a nerve?" Rachel's silent pouting told its own story. Ragna let himself have a slight smile, before rising to get a drink from the bar. "Heh, you really _do_ have feelings for the guy. What is it with you and men you claim to be idiots?" Rachel responded with another Sword Iris.

Which Ragna was expecting. He backhanded the bolt back at Rachel, who, _not_ expecting a return shot, couldn't get Gii in the way in time. Her pigtails were now thoroughly singed. That had never happened before. Ragna laughed and flipped the bird at her before walking off.

However, he soon found a figure blocking his way. Tall, dark, meancing….well, two out of three wasn't bad. While normally Hakumen would cause a 'brown pants' moment in pretty much anyone, something was off today.

Because you couldn't really be afraid of anyone who was wearing a Rubber Ring. Despite the fact that it was an off-putting oily black. The pastel pink snorkel and flippers didn't exactly scream 'Badass' either.

"Don't. Say. A Word.", Ragna couldn't; he was too busy sniggering.

He took a few seconds to gather himself, "Good god Hakumen, what's with the buoyancy aid?"

"It is as it appears, Dark One. I… am unable to swim"

Ragna did laugh now. Hell, it was the loudest he'd laughed in years, "Oh, that is golden! Do you wanna ask Tao if you can borrow her water wings too? Or can we hire a Lilo for you? I hope that thing isn't one of those dissolvable ones that you can buy!" His taunting was interrupted by a ringing from Hakumen.

"Excuse me", as a spindly arm extended from the Rubber Ring, and handed a cell phone to Hakumen. The rubber ring visibly jiggled as a white faceplate appeared on it; Arakune. "Yes? Yes? Yes. Uh-huh. Really? Very well. What!? No, Thank You! Goodbye." He handed the phone back, and Arakune promptly lost it somewhere in his person.

Ragna pointed at the black abomination, "I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this."

"S ew y u ss le! ' h pp ith my b, a d ou w n' e eve t se t ge me!"

(translate: Screw you Asshole! I'm happy with my job, and you wouldn't believe the sex it gets me!)

"Hmmph. You're just jealous of our out-of-continuity adventures."

"What _out-of-continuity adventures?_" Ragna was getting a little creeped out by the possibilities

"S in xy dies f o ends, f ou se." Pretty much confirmed Ragna's fears.

(Saving sexy ladies from vile fiends, of course.)

"Indeed. We have earned quite a reputation as heroes for hire. It pays well, and like Lotte says, the sheer number of beautiful ladies wishing to lie with us is truly remarkable." Hakumen and Arakune then struck a pose.

"Together, we are BOUNDARY BUDDIES!" They started playing air guitar, which somehow resulted in noise being produced. Furthermore, Bang's ninja lackeys had the foresight to set up some pyrotechnics to go off as appropriate. After this sensory assault had stopped, Ragna witnessed a sight he thought he'd never see; Hakumen brofisting Arakune.

It was getting too much to take. Ragna was reaching his wit's end "You two actually sat down and came up with this shit? What's next? A collection of haiku's detailing how you have lovers in every port, and women throwing items of clothing at you whenever you're in town? Hey, maybe I should call you Haiku Man from now on?"

"I'd rather you didn't..."

"Whatever Haiku."

"You just sealed your doom, Black Beast! Pakumen! I choose you!"

A blinding white light heralded the arrival of…Ragna couldn't quite put into words what it was. It looked like a stubby legged dog with a cat head and a silver ponytail similar to Hakumen's own..

"Zea!"

"Pakumen! Use Yukikaze!"

"….Zea?"

"…alright, Mugen!"

"Zea?"

"….Shippu."

"Zea?"

"…Akumetsu?"

"Zea?"

Hakumen facepalmed, "Pakumen, return." The thing disappeared. No one was really sure if Hakumen could properly emote "embarrassment", but if he could, he was definitely doing it now.

Ragna decided he'd had enough fun at 'Haiku's' expense, and continued to the bar. Kagura was chasing Cajun. Again. Azrael, resplendent in a thong, was flexing his muscles, while Mai and Taro did their level best to avert their eyes from the frontal assault. Bullet was busy trying to thaw Bang. He really needed that drink now!

His urgency disappeared when he saw Hazama at the bar, wearing a bright green Mankini. "Look, I ordered a goddam Bloody Mary! Where's the blood!? There was me thinking misadvertising was a crime."

"So's genocide, yet you get away with it often enough."

Hazama's ears pricked at the voice, "Raggy! Have a seat old bean."

"Yeah, sorry, I have an appointment with the castrator. I'll have to decline."

"Sorry to hear that, puppy. Although I always thought 'neutered' was the technical term."

"Just like " Not funny" is the technical term for anything you say. You really need some new material. It's getting kinda samey"

"So's your whole "The whole world hates me, woe is me, I'm gonna go kill me some wusses" shit, yet we have to put up with it." Terumi, wearing an orange hooded short sleeve shirt and black shorts, strolled up to them. "The whole incest-yay thing is pretty creepy too."

"'Incest-yay' thing!? Oh crap, not this again…"

"Oh come on Raggy. We've seen the way you look at Kisaragi. Hey maybe we should call him Kissyragna from know on, hey Hazzy?"

"Sure! And I'm sure we can persuade him to let Ragna and him double team Tsubaki. I mean I heard she likes spit-ro.."

"Enough! I'm not gay for Jin! Tsubaki is nuts! And I'm not 'spit-roasting' anyone!"

"Would you get your mind out of the gutter? I was just going to say she enjoys spit roast chicken after sex and I know you're a really good cook." Hazama grinned.

"Liar."

"(sigh) Well, regardless of Kissyragna, there's still the matter of everyone's favourite sex doll over yonder.." he gestured at Noel

Ragna facepalmed, "Oh you must be joking."

"DING DING! First prize to Mr Genius! Tezzy, can you tell him our competitor what he's won?"

Terumi leaned back in his seat as jazzy music started up, "Course, Hazzy! You've just won the trigger word to shut Noel's brain off, not that she's using it that much. Just say "Red Panda" et voila! Instant trance. You can do what you want with her and she won't remember a thing! I know, I've tested it! Gyehehehehehe! Not that you'll want it, but "Bamboo" is the countermand. Even better, get the next one right and we'll throw in all this…" Relius stood by a plethora of items, looking indignant, "cosplay outfits, toys, the whole caboodle! Gyhahahahawhoa!"

His seat was swept up from under him by a Kaka kitten, "Sorry, Tao needs this", and he scuffed his bare ass on landing. Naturally War's wasn't best pleased with this.

"GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT!", He flung Ouroburos and caught the retreating cat by the coat tails, dragging it back to him. Having retrieved his chair, he tossed the offending kitten to Hazama, "Now, what to do with you?" His eyes lit up, "I know! SERPENT'S INFERNAL RAPTURE!" The kaka was out of sight in less than a second.

Hazama gave it a cheery wave, "Bye bye" he said in a rather…odd voice, "What? I saw it an anime once. I thought you all thought I was…"

"Yeah, we know about the Gin Ichimaru expy shit, but no need to go into mockery."

"Expy!? I'm way better looking!"

"Haven't really noticed a difference", Rachel had teleported in behind him. "With that in mind, here's the legal papers." Hazama looked confused, "You're being sued for plagiarism."

"…You…have…got..to be SHITTING ME! I have enough money worries as it is! Do you think all the shit I do is cheap!?""

"And long may your insolvency continue." Rachel beamed, "As for you Ragna..".

"Wha? What the hell are these?" Ragna didn't exactly like where this was going.

"_Your_ legal papers. Dante and Nero Sparda are suing you. Jin's got one off Vergil, likewise Hakumen will be in receipt of one from Nelo Angelo."

Ragna grimaced, "Here's yours. Evangeline McDowell's suing you too for the whole 'Elegant Gothic Lolita' schtick. 'There can be only one', and all that…"

"What!? How dare she!" she snapped before vanishing.

"Somehow I get the feeling that's a battle she can't win." Ragna said to himself.

"Damn that shitty vampire, she's fucked me over again!" Hazama was struggling to keep it all in check. But he needn't have worried…

"CARNAGE SCISSORS!" and with that he was unceremoniously launched several hundred feet, off the balcony, and straight into the sea.

"Bye bye!" Ragna mocked, "Don't forget to write!" He turned to Terumi, "Now what to do with you…" Terumi shrugged, "Meh, I was just leaving; Hazzy was starting to get on my tits anyway. Later!" Once Terumi was gone, Ragna remembered why he came here in the first place; a drink. He was ordering a pina collada for himself when he felt a hand on his shoulder

"Where's mine, Bloodedge?"

"Fine. Make that two, would ya Rusty?" Tager grumbled to himself as he mixed. Ragna turned to look at Celica. She wore a frilly pink number. It all made her look younger than she was; she was pretty flat chested, and short even by the standards of Ragna's usual company. But she could be pretty bombastic, more so than any of the ladies bar Tao and Makoto. A lot of people came to the conclusion that the two of them were dating. Ragna wasn't sure how to respond to this. Sure, she was pretty and of Ragna's female companions, she was certainly the one who annoyed him the least. Ragna knew she had a huge crush on him, and had toyed with the idea of returning her affections, but he was happy with how things were, and besides he couldn't be sure he really did feel the same way about her. Besides, he knew Nine would likely flay him alive if he made any knd of move on her, and the thought of Jubei as a brother-in-law just didn't seem right.

Rachel was another who's name he kept hearing being associated with him. While the two did go back many years, most of that time consisted of the two trading insults, with her having a much better head-to-head record. He had been in her company during those infrequent times when she let the mask drop, and showed her much nicer side, but he didn't think he could live with the sadist side for very long. Unless of course Rach took the decision out of his hands, which would be entirely in character for her.

Rather worryingly, as was evident from a few minutes ago, he'd even heard people seeing chemistry between him and Noel. Ragna had been through the NOL's dirty laundry after that business with Mu, and so he knew that she was technically his sister, and last time he checked incest was illegal, as well as squicky. Tsubaki nearly blew a gasket when he told her the story, "Incest is never a good idea! I'm living proof!" she moaned in reference to her now well known psychotic episodes. Being with Jin had helped her rein it in. He had enough incest subtext to deal with coming from Jin. The last thing he needed was yet more on his plate. Not to mention she had a near supernatural knack for getting on his nerves.

As for Jin, the last time Ragna checked, he wasn't gay. That made a lot of people very unhappy.

"Hello? Earth to Ragna?" Celica was waving her hands in front of his face.

"Whoa, sorry Celica. Kinda spaced out for a moment."

"Oh? Thinking about what?" she gave a coy smile.

"Never you mind."

"Someone's _blushing_. I think I have a pretty good idea what you're thinking about, hmmm?"

"I said knock it of!" he handed her the drink a bit more forcefully than he intended, resulting in him spilling some of her top.

"Wha!? You idiot! You PERVERT!" and she upercutted him in the chin.

"Hey, what the hell was that for!? You could've knocked my teeth out!"

"Idiot! I know you like wet t-shirt contests, but that doesn't mean you can get a show out of ME!"

Ragna facepalmed, "For god's sake, talk about jumping to completely illogical conclusions! It was an _accident! _Like what happens every time someone hands you a map? You know, shit happens that you _don't mean to happen_? Have you ever heard of those? I know you don't handle fanservice as well as the other gals, but come on!"

She was still pouting at him when he received a blow to the back of his head from Platinum, "You just can't help yourself, can you? You're worse than Kagura; at least he admits he's a molester." Luna was in typically abrasive form.

"Oh fuck, _not you as well_."

"Yup." Sena had taken over, "Nine gave us express orders to protect Celica's honour, no matter what." Ragna considered for a moment _trying_ to reason with them, but dismissed it as a complete waste of time.

"Yeah, so keep your hands to yourself, Michael Jackson!"

"Why you!" Ragna moved to throttle the annoying little twerp.

He suddenly found himself chained up, and a huge boxing glove flew out of nowhere and smacked him clean in the wedding vegetables. "Get a load of this, ya paedo!" What followed was a huge frying pan to the side of his head. Then a shower of small cat bombs. He felt his world start spinning wildly as he fell to the ground in a smouldering heap. He saw Platinum stroll past Celica, and the two sharing a high five, "Thanks, Trinity." "Meh, don't mention it"; regardless of which personality was in control, Celica always called her that. For some reason Platinum seemed to let it slide.

As he staggered to his feet, he was clocked over the head again; Tao stood over him with Terumi's chair. While he was reeling from that, he found himself being mobbed by Kaka kittens, jumping on him, stabbing him and being an all round pain in the ass. Hell, one of the little shits had just stuck something up his..."Kaaaaaaaanchooooo!"

"OOOOOOOWWWW! What the fuck!?"

"That's for not getting Tao food, Cheapskate Guy! BRING IN THE BOMB MEOW!"

One of the Kaka kittens came sprinting up to the melee with a large circular bomb, the kind you always saw in cartoons. "Tao, where do I put this?", "By Cheapskate Guy!", "Riii-iight!" The kitten leisurely strolled up to the pile of bodies. And just stood there.

"Am I supposed to move away neow?"

**BOOM!**

Bodies flew in a directions, often accompanied with the sounds of "Wheee!" and the occasional 'splat' from the kittens who'd just been blown up. However, on noise stood out above all the others

"AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEeeeeee!" Ragna's screams lessened in volume as his altitude increased. Before long, he was just a twinkle in the sky.

"And He! Is! Outta Here! Meow!"

Ragna decided, mid flight, that the next vacation he'd take would be in some secluded hut in the middle of nowhere. At least that way, the who's-who-of-mental-illness would be less likely to find him and shove more sharp objects up his ass! It would delay the Yaoi fans for a while at the very least...

Fin


End file.
